Home Alone and A Christmas Story may be two completely different movies, but both have blonde-haired, shenanigan-making protagonists audiences have come to love, Kevin McCallister and Ralphie Parker. It’s easy to laugh at the ridiculous hijinks each of them endures, they are just kids after all.
But, like Dennis the Menace (another blond-haired hooligan!) when you stop to think about it, you may not want to spend much time around either of these troublemakers. Let’s take a look at each of them and see who’s the worst of the two. Here are 5 reasons each one of them is terrible.
10 RALPHIE: AVERAGE WRITER WHO THINKS HE’S AMAZING
He goes on to imagine his teacher grading the assignment, dolling out Fs to his classmates. But as she stumbles upon Ralphie’s theme, he imagines her celebrating his work and awarding him an A++++++++. Later on, however, the assignment is returned to Ralphie, receiving a mere C+. Now, that’s still a passing grade and he’s only 9, but who can stand writers who think their work is God’s gift to man?
9 KEVIN: CAN’T PACK A SUITCASE
But, as we see throughout the rest of the movie, Kevin has a remarkable imagination, protecting his house using rather creative methods. Why is packing a suitcase something he feels completely stumped by? Little wonder everyone he’s the annoying black sheep of the family.
8 RALPHIE: NOT ABOVE BRIBERY
Not only is it obscenely ostentatious, but he also can’t seem to get the hint to return to his desk, so Ms. Shields is forced to awkwardly think of different things to get him to go away. Teachers love getting presents as much as anyone at Christmas, but maybe not with the expectation of quid pro quo.
7 KEVIN: TOOTHBRUSH SNOB/THIEF
Did Kevin honestly think the average store clerk was going to be able to vouch for the ADA? Instead of just returning the toothbrush to where he got it, he gets scared by his neighbor who shows up unexpectedly and makes a break for it. Why he doesn’t simply drop the toothbrush and run or even go back to the store and pay for the toothbrush is absurd.
6 RALPHIE: THE REAL BULLY?
Farkus is no saint, but he’s more of an emotional threat than a physical one to Ralphie and his friends. Ralphie never sticks around to try and stop Farkus while they’re being subjected to his antics. Maybe Farkus just needs a little tenderness. Ralphie, on the other hand, clearly needs a therapist.
5 KEVIN: LOUSY TIPPER
On top of that indignity, Kevin then proceeds to scare the pizza guy away with audio from the fake gangster film Angels with Dirty Souls. In all likelihood, the pizza guy was going to walk away and keep on delivering other pizzas. Did Kevin really have to kick the guy while he was down by making him think there was a gangster with a machine gun behind the door?
4 RALPHIE: WORST FRIEND EVER
On another occasion, Ralphie accidentally drops the F-bomb while trying to help his dad fix a flat tire. When probed by his mother as to where he heard this awful word, rather than blame his dad, he throws another friend and classmate, Schwartz, under the bus, whereupon he receives the beating of his life from his mom. Exactly why is Ralphie good to have around?
3 KEVIN: OUT FOR BLOOD
At the end of Kevin’s hijinks, he ends up calling the police anyway, so why the devil didn’t he just call the cops to begin with? Kevin isn’t trying to protect his house; he’s trying to take Marv and Harry out. Period.
2 RALPHIE: ACTUALLY SHOOTS HIS EYE OUT
Ralphie pesters his parents, his teacher, and Santa for this BB gun he will probably not care about at all in a year and does not take the time to think about how he will avoid shooting his eye out, the ONE thing that everyone has warned him over and over will happen if he gets his hand on that BB gun.
1 KEVIN: THE SCREAM
There are probably not many kids that can claim they attempted to protect their houses from burglars, but you wouldn’t have to look far to find kids that drove their parents crazy performing Kevin’s antics voluntarily for years to come.
NEXT: 5 Christmas Movies Overplayed On TV (& 5 That Aren’t Played Enough)
Outlander: Claire’s 5 Best Outfits (& 5 Worst)